The Last Goodbye
If the title of this article got you here because you were expecting some melodramatic dissertation about losing a relative or a dog or something- well that has nothing to do with it.
I am writing to expose a situation that many married men have endured in stoic silence for centuries: getting your wife to leave a party in a timely manner.
First and foremost, I have to say that I have gotten kind of curmudgeonly towards parties. Once I crossed into my 50s, my desire to party hard and late has definitely dissipated. My wife, however, has always been less inclined to attend parties and certainly less inclined to stay late at one, so the extreme difficulty in getting her to leave is enigmatic to say the least.
Although I have resigned myself to having to bargain to leave a party, I have been able to break the leaving process down into a few steps.
STEP 1: MEANINGFUL EYE CONTACT AND THE OPENING SALVO
When you are married, you of course develop unspoken communication. When I am done with the party, I make eye contact with my wife that says “Let’s get the hell out of here”. She sees and understands, and she WANTS to leave too, but she just can’t. What follows is a farewell tour of sorts, where she goes around to everyone at the party including those she just met and/or doesn’t like and engages in personal well wishes and heart felt goodbyes. At this point, we are not even close to leaving.
STEP 2: INTERVENTION
At some point, I get tired of standing near the door as if proximity to the exit is going to hold any sway whatsoever. So, once my wallflowering period is over I charge back through the party like an EMT technician, being careful not to make eye contact with anyone lest someone else’s wife grabs ahold of me and puts her husband in the same predicament. We hubbies have an understanding about this tyoe of behavior- it just isn’t done. When I get to my wife, my move is pivotal: if I am too assertive, I am going to piss her off yet if I am too wishy-washy we could be staying for hours. My strategy- and this won’t work for everyone- is to gently touch my wife on the shoulder or the arm, which is intended to remind her that I want to leave. She understands my message, but it is still very unlikely that we will be leaving soon at this juncture. Occasionally I get lucky but generally step 3 is going to happen.
STEP 3 “YOU CAN CHECK OUT ANY TIME YOU LIKE, BUT YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE”.
By this time, I am the emodiment of the guy in “Hotel California” . I am DONE with the party- checked out- and yet I ain’t going ANYWHERE. As I am very gently tugging my wife’s arm and moving towards the exit (NO EYE CONTACT), we usually get intercepted by somebody else’s wife whose husband is trying in vain to wallflower his way out of the party. A whole new conversation starts up no matter how she feels about the individual who has ensnared us. At this point, I may make eye contact with the other husband in an effort to catalyze his own charge through the crowd to try to motivate his wife. However, I have to weigh this because if my eye contact falls on an unintended target, they may interpret that as an invitation to talk which is NOT what I want obviously. It is generally best to just wait this phase out, BUT if you are particularly bold you may try to say “Wellllll….” in an effort to signal that the night is over to both ladies and if you REALLY want to push it you couple your “Welllll…” with a clap of the hands and an arm tug. This can backfire easily though so be careful.
STEP 4: SO CLOSE , YET SO FAR
After the interception, you may be able ot move your wife to the door. BUT, even if you are successful, this does by no means indicate that you are leaving. At this point there is a final explosion of energy and my wife is in serious danger of being swept back into the room like sea shells in an undertow. Even if the vacuum is avoided, she will break figurative bread with whoever is nearby. As a husband, you are kind of helpless here BUT there is one thing you CAN do- whatever happens do NOT let the conversation turn to children. If they start talking about kids, you are doomed. You HAVE to get involved in this conversation and at this point it becomes necessary to mention that you have to get up early or that the dog needs to go out or that you are expecting a midnight Amazon delivery or that your car is going to turn into a pumpkin or that your pet tadpoles are growing legs and you HAVE to get home. A few well placed yawns may also be in order if you feel like a conversation about kids is imminent.
STEP 5: WALK OUT- THE LAST GOODBYE
When all else fails, I just walk out the door solo. I have on occasion even banged on the windows of an establishment to remind my wife that I am outside and now desperate to leave. If your luck is REALLY not running, you may find yourself outside with another couple or another husband who is mired in the same step, and if THAT happens you may have to inure yourself for the crippling outdoors goodbye as well. Yet, the walk out generally works even if not immediately and ironically the last goodbye I utter is to the woman I will see, hopefully very shortly, in the car.
If you are a married woman reading this- bounce these steps off your hubby- I bet he agrees with them. If you are a married man, you know this is the way it goes down! This entire procedure is likely to occur at very specific locales outside of parties- such as in a Target or a Starbucks.
I love my wife and I love ladies in general. But saying goodbye just isn’t that hard. Watch this- Goodbye!