The Center For Obvious Science Announces Finding: Tremendous Wealth Helps Old Men’s Looks!

Dr. Dad Bod
7 min readNov 18, 2024

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In a not so revolutionary disclosure, The Center For Obvious Science (T-COS) released results of a decades long study that really surprised nobody.

“It seems,” said Dr. Harold Loman, an ageing doctor with horn-rimmed glasses thick enough to see into the future and a pocket protector full of sharpies “that some very old men with objectively hideous faces and saggy old bodies can remain very attractive to a certain demographic of astoundingly beautiful, much younger women provided they have a lot of money. The attraction seems intensified if the older man also has a degree of celebrity”.

Loman was addressing a crowd of about 200 fellow medical doctors and researchers, and the not such a bombshell revelation elicited nearly no response from the crowd aside from a cough or two and a low chuckle.

“To arrive at this conclusion, we took a hard look at three particular case studies,” continued Loman.

CASE # 1 : Howard Marshall and Anna Nicole Smith.

Nicole Smith, whose real name was Vicky Marshall, burst into worldwide fame when, at 25 and after dropping out of high school and failing in an early marriage , she appeared as a centerfold in Playboy magazine .

The truly beautiful Nicole Smith in 1991 at about 21 years old.

After Playboy, Smith parlayed her dazzling looks and her tenth grade education into myriad modeling contracts, TV and movie appearances, and even appearances in music videos.

Though the world seemed to be her oyster, Smith was hit by Cupid’s arrow, and fell head over heals in love with J Howard Marshall , a man 62 years her senior.

Despite his cadaverous visage, his odious personality, and his inability to control his bowels or bladder, somehow the stunning starlet couldn’t resist him and a torrid, lust-based relationship quickly ensnared the beauty and the mummy. Then, as will happen, the lust tapered a bit, and deep intellectual love grew between the air head and the nearly dead, and every once in a while, to the soothing beat of a heart monitor and after freebasing 100 Viagra, the lizard would slither onto his betrothed for a rowdy evening that ended, for Marshall, at 3:30 PM.

What the actual F@CK!

So, what could have attracted one of the most sought after women on the planet to an antediluvian, shriveled old Yoda with one foot in the grave and one foot on a banana peal? Marshall, believe it or not, was a billionaire oil tycoon ! Who could believe it?

It seemed that money may actually cause some beautiful women to either lose their eyesight altogether, hallucinate in the presence of money, or something.

Let’s move on to:

CASE # 2 Bill Belichick , 72, and Jordon Hudson, 24

Anyone who knows football knows the name Bill Belichick. While many would argue that his tremendous record as a coach was largely due to having the best quarterback who ever lived, Belichick ,whose name is still a household word amongst NFL fans, will undoubtedly be enshrined in Canton.

However the Hall of Fame coach is certainly NOT going to get there on the strength of his looks, largely because it looks like he needs to BE enshrined in a shroud and put 6 feet in a hole.

I wish the hood covered that kisser

When I see coach, I immediately think of two people:

  1. Otis the Drunk from “The Andy Griffith Show.”

Otis was a crochety looking, disheveled, cantankerous drunk who staggered the streets of the fictional “Mayberry”. He would get so loaded he would stumble to the police office, lock himself in a cell, and try to sleep off the permadrunk.

Mayberry’s Pride- Otis “The Drunk” Campbell

2. Ok, but this isn’t really a person I guess. Back in the 80s, there was a movie made using puppets called “The Dark Crystal”. I swear Bill looks just like one of them.

Go PATS!

You get the idea. But- get this! He is currently involved with a 24 year old girl named Jordon Hudson, who, coincidentally, he first met- WHEN SHE WAS A COLLEGE STUDENT! She is also very pretty. What are the odds that a hot , sexy co-ed who was around young, virile males all day would be smitten by a melting old toad instead? And THEN against all odds, the glamour girl and geriatric gorgon meet again! Wow!

Beauty and Bequeath

This seriously seems like the PERFECT love story.

Well, Bill Belichick has a net wealth of 70 million dollars. Kudos to Jordon for sacrificing what most would unfairly say is her human dignity in the almighty name of true love! Whatever magic money works to medically improve her sight and allow her to ignore Bill’s abhorrent personality must be truly spectacular, and the process by which it works needs to be ascertained in order to benefit humanity as a whole.

CASE 3: Anthony Kiedis,62, and Helena Vestergaard, 19.

There was a day when a young Anthony Kiedis , the lead singer for the very successful rock band “The Red Hot Chili Peppers” , could have had pretty much anyone he wanted.

Kiedis back when he was pulling MUCH tail.

However, like sand through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives. And, for some of us, Father Time really sandbags us. Such is the case for Kiedis. Oh who knows why? Maybe he aged poorly because he traveled so much, or because of the stress of maintaining a music career, or because of his artistic yearning to have autonomy even within the band, or his proclivity for ingesting truly epic and medically impossible amounts of heroin, time just kind of transformed him into:

  1. Some sort of character Will Farrell is playing in a not yet invented movie about a crazy rock star:
Looks like a he should start a new band “Simon Says”.

2. Uncle Rico:

No wonder he wanted the time machine so badly

But, while it is easy to sort of poke fun at Anthony, he can still do one thing — attract young girls. Believe it or not, Anthony Kiedis is dating a 19 year old girl. This means that if she and Anthony went to a bar and got carded, not only can she not get in but the bouncer is likely to call the cops because he thinks Anthony is a trafficker.

Looks like a hs graduation pic.

Surely, there must have been some guys in homeroom or in calc that caught her eye. But, for some reason, she gravitated towards an old rock star. We were wracking our brains as to why this could be, and, in desperation, we decided to check Mr. Kiedis’s net worth. It was $155 million. Once again, there seemed to be an odd correlation between money and the senses of certain, usually beautiful women.

At this, Dr. Loman asked if there were any questions.

One young doctor said “ We are in the medical profession, will we make enough to possibly be the beneficiaries of these oddities?”

In a surprising reaction to the question Dr. Loman exclaimed “Not in my experience god damn it. I tried everything. I have told women I am a pro football player. I have told women that I went West Point. I even told one woman I was a GOD DAMN champagne salesman. And NADA. Hell , the only reason I even bothered to start medical school was so I could make enough money to marry a young broad, but noooooooo. I have tried everything outside of working and telling the truth to get enough money to maybe have women see me differently. ”

As the stunned audience regained its composure, a hand went up.

“What?” asked Loman.

“You are an actual doctor right? I mean you just said you never tell the truth and avoid work.”

“Of course I am” replied Loman although he looked nervous.

“Where from?”

“St. Copious of Northern……” Loman muttered as he fled the room.

At the time of this report, the biological and psychological root of how huge amounts of money belonging to men who are old as hell seems to gain the affection of women who are way out of their league remains nebulous.

Although Dr. Loman evidently resigned medicine and opened a sporting goods company with his brother, further research into this bizarre pehnomenon must continue.

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Dr. Dad Bod
Dr. Dad Bod

Written by Dr. Dad Bod

I am a husband, father, teacher, and soccer coach, and aspiring writer residing in Northern Virginia. More than anything, I love having fun and pushing myself!

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