Rednecks on the Ropes

Dr. Dad Bod
3 min readApr 13, 2023
Rednecks in their habitat. You can also refer to them as Hillbillies, Grits, Hicks, or just plain Losers

I live in the DC area, and recently there was a meeting of rednecks and other assorted human effluvium who gathered to form the “People’s Convoy”

Their mission?

To battle COVID restrictions.

I know, I know those restrictions have already pretty much been lifted, but logic is lost on rednecks.

For example, a redneck will prattle on and on about how much they love America while wearing Confederate flag T-shirts or leaning on the hoods of their shitty cars which are generally ( not General Lee) adorned with Confederate flag bumper stickers. You COULD point out the irony of their supposed patriotism conflicting with their sartorial choice to wear garb honoring a group of people who rose up and attacked America, but again, you may as well try to explain it to your hamster.

A redneck’s house with a redneck standing in front of it. Most likely, there are other rednecks inside

Anyway , back to the story. The “People’s Convoy” organized to combat non-existent restrictions by driving really slowly around the capital beltway. They wanted to tie up traffic ( which is generally tied up anyway) in order to make their “point”. They hooted and hollered in their redneck way as they waited to get started while a preacher with a bullhorn lauded them all as heroes.

Heroes? I kind of thought that one of the hallmarks of a hero was bravery in support of a cause. For example, the firemen that rushed into the World Trade Centers during 911 were heroes. The men who raised the flag on Iowa Jima were heroes. Martin Luther King and Susan B. Anthony were heroes. I don’t think driving slowly quite stacks up to the actions of the aforementioned people. Furthermore, since there are no more COVID restrictions, they have no cause and, further still, since their moronic plan could have prevented EMS workers from arriving to an emergency on time, they were actually the antithesis of heroes. But, again, if you are reading this you probably aren’t a redneck so I am preaching to the choir.

I miss the days when rednecks kept their mouths shut and stayed in their lanes, too cowed to spout their rubbish or act a fool. We had them in check until a certain orange-hued loudmouth ended up in the oval office.

Orange hued loudmouth who empowered rednecks

All of a sudden, he validated their feelings that their failures weren’t their responsibility. He praised Nazis and the reds ate it up. He incited a riot against our Capitol building, yet the rednecks found some way to excuse it. He lost an election, but the rednecks can’t come to terms with it.

Rednecks, please realize that times have changed, and just because some human creamsickle came around and made you feel good about yourselves and validated your hateful “Christian” views, you are in the minority. The United States WILL progress in spite of you and we will drag you along with us because we can’t get rid of you and you will stay here because you are helpless without us .

So, sorry rednecks, but your convoy was a dumb idea, just like most of your ideas. While we are at it, history won’t be erased just because we refuse to tolerate statues of traitors anymore either. After all , you are living proof of that fact. If it were true, we would have gotten rid of y’all after the Civil War.

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Dr. Dad Bod

I am a husband, father, teacher, and soccer coach, and aspiring writer residing in Northern Virginia. More than anything, I love having fun and pushing myself!