My Many Super Powers

I hate to tell you, but I am better than you.

Don’t take it personally, I am better than everyone.

I have super powers, see?

You want to know what they are don’t ya?

Yes you do, or you wouldn’t be reading this.

Here ya go:

• I can make any traffic light turn red merely by approaching it. I don’t know how, but I can. As if this wasn’t impressive enough, the timing of the light turning red seems to be directly in proportion to how much of a hurry I am in. If I need to get somewhere quickly, the lights become the Red Sea.

Yes it does, when I am not there.

• I can make faucets that are supposed to turn on by touch not turn on. Yeah, you heard me. Many of you can turn on such faucets by touching them, but I can make them NOT turn on by touching them. Once again, the urgency of my need for the faucet to turn on seems to influence how long I won’t be able to do so. If I am touching raw meat for example and need to wash my hands in order not to contaminate something clean, no way the faucet is gonna work. I batter it like Rocky hitting a punching bag and…nothing. Nothing , at least, until it suddenly turns on and then , in a flurry, I touch it again and it turns back off.

“Not gonna happen pal”

• I can immediately forget any password I have assigned to access any site on the internet, thereby locking myself out of the site. I then change the password, and forget it again.

• I can render any vacuum cleaner , anywhere, unable to pick up simple specks on any carpet. As if that wasn’t enough, I can do this with hard wood surfaces too.

• I am a mosquito whisperer. I can be anywhere, with anyone else, and the mosquitos will ignore the other person and flock to me. This particular power makes me look like I have the measles all spring and summer. In fact, if NASA wants to ascertain whether is life in space, they should shoot me into the cosmos. If there is an intergalactic mosquito, it will find me.

This picture bit me

• I can make the ocean change temperature, and not by taking a leak. Let’s say I arrive at the beach for vacation on a Sunday. The water will be warm. However, overnight, due to my presence, the ocean will turn into an intolerably frigid ice bath for the rest of the week.

• I can make the check engine light on my car come on. All I have to do is come into a little extra money.

• My phone rarely rings, and when it does, I rarely answer it. However, if I need to answer it and begin a conversation, someone else calls me instantly.

• I can make members of my family call me. All I have to do is go to the grocery store, pay, leave, and put the groceries in my car. As soon as I turn it on, someone in my family will call and ask me if I can pick something up for them as long as I am at the store .

• I can make liquid spontaneously evaporate. If I let my lawn grow a little too long, there will inevitably be no gasoline in the can I swore I just filled up.

• I can fill in an area perfectly, as long as the area is a trash can. I am always the person who puts the last piece of trash into the can ensuring there is no earthly way I can force the garbage down far enough to close the lid, which means I will need to take out the detritus.

• I can control the digestive tract of animals. I know this because every time I take my pooch to the dog park, the first thing he does is take a massive dump meaning that I will have the pleasure of picking it up.

These powers are bound to cause envy, but please remember I didn’t ASK to be better than you.

I just am.