As the Uvalde massacre slowly slips out of the headlines and American outrage goes back into hibernation until the next slaughter, I think it is time to utilize the summer to really help schools prepare for the next round of carnage.
Since some of our patriotic politicians have once again chosen kickbacks and contributions over the lives of children and allowing common sense gun regulations to pass, and since there is undoubtedly some other teenage malcontent out their dreaming of obtaining their own assault weapon so that they can obliterate little duck duck goose players, let’s talk about what we can do to ameliorate the horror of the next killing spree that is inevitably coming . I feel the following steps are certainly valuable and reasonable.
- MAKE TEACHERS COMBAT MEDIC:
It goes without saying that arming teachers is the first step.
After that first step though, I think we should really think about making teachers combat medics ! Of course, we aren’t going to pay these teachers more for this, and they will still be required to fulfill all of their other obligations, but since there have been 371 school shootings since 2000, it is clear that schools are battle zones. We must do something to prepare for the next onslaught and the onus should fall on educators. Gun restrictions and common sense regulations aren’t going to be effective for some unfathomable reason, so let’s get teachers into combat medic training ASAP! According to Indeed, these very simple steps will lead to each and every school having fully trained combat medics in the classrooms:
- Complete the necessary education- This is awesome because in order to enter the armed forces ( I will be using the Army for my hypothetical) all you need is a high school diploma or even a GED. Teachers ALREADY have that! Step 1 is complete!
- Apply to the Army- Any gender is eligible to be a combat medic, and anyone 17–34 can join the Army! Once again, this criteria is met by many who are already teachers. All we have to do is convince or force teachers to join the military! I think that principals should screen potential teaching candidates by making combat medic training a criteria for hire! That way, we have our candidates ready from the get go!
- Go to Army Basic Training- What better way to spend a ten week summer break than by going to Army basic training! There will be plenty of time to lesson plan later. We really need combat medics in schools in order to staunch the inevitable arterial bleeding that results from high caliber ammunition rounds ripping into the flesh of little kids, so let’s make getting teachers into basic the priority!
- Train to be a Combat Medic- In order to become a combat medic, an individual must complete “advanced individual training” which can last 16–68 weeks. Teachers should plan to utilize their evenings, their breaks, and their vacations to complete these trainings ASAP, because there really is no other way to prepare for school shootings
So, in the worst case scenario in five or six short years we will have fully trained teachers who double as combat medics in the schools. Of course, given the average we can expect 84 more school shootings and 79 more deaths because of them prior to getting our medics up and running, but at least we will be making meaningful progress towards limiting the slaughter!
2. HAVE CLERGY FOR ALL FAITHS ON HAND TO ADMINISTER LAST RITES : Look, we have entered an era where all religious holidays are honored in public schools. Yet, when a student finds him or herself ripped to pieces by high caliber bullets that have made mush out of their organs, they can’t always hold on until their religious authorities can meet with them offsite to usher them into the next world. Since restricting assault weapons and enacting more gun restrictions isn’t a tangible solution, I think it is only fair that dying youngsters have immediate access to clergy inside of the schools. I recommend one clergy member from all major faiths be placed within schools to help dying kids be more comfortable with the fact that they will never see their families again and will not see tomorrow. As an added bonus, with onsite clergy the “prayers” half of the ubiquitous and wildly effective “thoughts and prayers” mantra that inevitably follows each massacre will be taken care of immediately! Win-win!
3. TRAIN BIOLOGY STUDENTS IN FORENSIC SCIENCE: Look, due to the fact that assault rifles sometimes turn children into an unrecognizable carbon — based soup, it would be extremely valuable to be able to analyze blood for DNA so we are quickly able to ascertain just WHO is dead! At the beginning of the year, students could do a cheek swab so we have their DNA in the event they get murdered at some point during the day. Then we could enter their DNA profiles into a data base and after the shooting ceases, students could go out with beakers and collect blood, run the DNA from the blood through tests, and match it up! This way parents will know right away whether to plan on their child coming home or not!
4. USE WOODSHOP CLASSES TO CREATE CUSTOM COFFINS: A lot of times kids in shop classes are looking for projects so why not allow their fellow pupils to design their own coffin at the onset of the year so their classmates can build them?
This could be a really fun, interactive activity that kids could indulge in using computers during the first few days of school! I think this is such a good idea that I have already patented a company- Kids Custom Coffin Creations- so don’t try to muscle in on my territory. Imagine how much more secure kids will feel knowing that they have their very own box at the ready that THEY created in which to rest for eternity!
5. FAMILIARIZE STUDENTS WITH THE KUBLER ROSS STAGES OF GRIEF: A dying student should be aware that the emotions they are feeling after being riddled with bullets are completely normal and nothing to worry about. They should know that they will experience :
- Denial- It is perfectly normal to think that you haven’t been gunned down in your classroom. Even though the odds of it happening aren’t ALL that rare, when it happens to an individual it is only normal for them to say “This can’t be happening” or something like that. Oh but it IS happening though. Students should know that if they see bullet holes in their body and see blood all over them, it has certainly happened and they can now move to the next phase.
- Anger- Dying children may become enraged as they realize that their life is over. This is perfectly normal. To assuage their anger though, children should remind themselves as they slip away that there really wasn’t anything that could have been done to prevent this. It works for politicians, so it should work for them too!
- Bargaining- This is defined as “A negotiative process in which patients attempt to postpone or distance themselves from the reality of a situation”. Students should be taught that there is no getting out of this situation and therefore they can move on to the next phase secure in the knowledge that they will die.
- Depression- This is a feeling of loss of control or hopelessness in the face of impending death. This feeling can be mitigated by reminding oneself that everything that could have been done to prevent this HAS been done, and it is just something to accept. Which leads to :
- Acceptance: At this stage, the children should be taught that they have completed the cycle. I can’t even bring myself to write anything more satirical because it is just too fucking sad.
Well, there you have it folks. Since there is no way to prevent school shootings and tougher gun restrictions really aren’t worth a try if we want politicians to still get their pocket money , I think these steps will at least help us as the public to deal with the carnage in the most efficient possible manner. If it sounds like I am pissed… I AM