I Drank Eight Beers a Day For a Year. Here Is What Happened

It seems to me that many of the posts that get the most views are theses types of “I did such and such for such and such a time period” type of deals. So, I decided to write one myself. But, what could I do? I didn’t want to penalize myself as some do , but I did want to create something compelling and controversial. And then it dawned on me! I would buckle down, take one for the team, and drink eight beers a night for a year- preferably while watching sports. I did this for YOU people, so you better damned well read it and follow me too.

Without further ado, I drank eight beers a night for a year. Here is what happened:

1. My libido exploded

Contrary to what you may have expected, something about drinking epic amounts of beer jump started a previously diminishing sex drive ( I am 51 ya know). While this was great in many ways it had some predictable consequences. I now have roughly 125 children.

The author addressing the myriad children he and his wife can longer afford.

My wife and I were struggling to figure out what to do with all of them, but we recently settled on donating them for medical experiments.

2. MY HAIR CAME BACK AND I GOT YOUNGER

I didn’t expect this one, but before Beer Therapy I was a cantankerous, bald old curmudgeon. Now I am a cantankerous, young curmudgeon with flowing locks.

The author before Beer Therapy on the left, and after on the right.

I am not sure what the biological impetus for this phenomenon was, but it it may have had something to do with my scalp rubbing up against rough surfaces as I passed out in various places around the house that weren’t inundated with children. As for the age thing, it seems the Fountain of Youth just might be the tap on a keg full of Fair Winds Howling Gale.

3. I BECAME T.J. OSHIE

Imagine my surprise when I, a lumbering older chap with no hockey experience, woke up to find out that I was Washington Capitals Assistant Captain T.J. Oshie!

Me, when I was T.J. Oshie. I call it “Me”.J. Oshie

It was a hell of a thing to be T.J.Oshie! I was a really cool guy, everyone loved me, and I scored two goals on four shots and got an assist for Baky during a March 9, 2022 overtime loss to Edmonton. I was thrilled that I scored, but bummed that I couldn’t get the win. I was only Osh for about three days and then I woke up and was myself again.

4. DURING A SUPER BOWL COMMERCIAL BREAK, I SOLVED THE KISSING NUMBER PROBLEM

Before I indulged in Beer Therapy, math was really a foreign language to me. I had like no talent for it. But while rip — roaring drunk, I suddenly became a math wiz. I looked at the image below.

An illustration of the Kissing Problem.

I thought “Oh that’s easy” and immediately developed a theory which would solve the dilemma no matter how many dimensions or spheres there were. Unfortunately, I became so engrossed in Snoop Dogg’s performance that I forgot to write it down. Oh well.

5. I CONVINCED TUCKER CARLSON THAT TRUMP IS AN ASSHOLE.

Of all the wonderful and impossible things that Beer Therapy led me to, convincing Tucker Carlson that Donald Trump is an asshole was probably the most improbable.

I met him in DC, and he walked up to me and started in “Donald Trump is the single greatest person that this country has ever produced, he is a wonderful man and….” at that point I cut him off and said “No Tucker. He is an asshole!” At that point, he had an epiphany and made this face:

“Shit! I had it all wrong!” said Carlson

I then started to convince him that he too was an asshole, but it seems he already knew.

6. I SUED WARNER BROTHERS FOR “THE NEVER ENDING STORY”.

It ended. It was a bait and switch tactic. D’OH!

Never Ending Story II? How the hell can there be a II if I Never Ended? Riddle me THAT

So, there are six things that happened as a result of what I like to call “Beer Therapy”. Warning results may vary- a lot.

• This was satire. I in no way meant to minimize the dangers of alcohol, and I am empathetic to all who struggle with it or have loved ones who do.