How Not To Get Gored By A Bison: A Two Step Process

Dr. Dad Bod
3 min readJul 1, 2022

I was saddened to read that for the second time in a week a Bison has gored a person at Yellowstone National Park here in the US.

A Bison

While I think we would collectively like to not read about ANY animals attacking people, you would think during summer it would be more likely to be sharks that were attacking people. After all, more people in the water equals more opportunity for shark attacks and you really can’t see sharks coming.

On the other hand, a Bison can grow up to 6'7" tall ,weigh upwards of 2800 pounds, and run up 30 miles an hour. So, my initial thought was that these Bison must be laying in wait or wearing ghillie suits or something in order to leap out and pulverize unwitting humans. After all, it wouldn’t make any sense to provoke or antagonize something that big and that powerful. Follow my logic here: the average NFL linebacker is between 6'1" and 6'3" ,weighs between 220–245 pounds, and can cover 40 yards in under five seconds.

NFL Linebacker Owusu-Koramoah

Would anybody be stupid enough to volunteer to allow an NFL linebacker to sprint towards them and pummel them? Nope. And a Bison is exponentially bigger, faster and more powerful than even the biggest and most powerful human being.

But, I underestimated the power of human stupidity.

Idiot petting a Bison.

As it turns out, despite signs like the ones below, idiots STILL try to approach Bison!:

A typical sign warning idiots not to go near Bison.

So, for all idiots who may think “ I am superman or woman or transperson, a Bison won’t gore me”, DON’T put your theory to the test. Instead follow my idiot proof plan and you will never get rag dolled by the horns of an irate miniature freight train:

Step 1: Stay away from Bison.

Step 3: Repeat

This will almost certainly keep you much healthier than if you decide to provoke, antagonize, or otherwise pester a Bison.

This same advice is practical for avoiding getting killed by many other animals such as alligators, crocodiles, and any zoo animal for which there are multiple barriers erected and signs posted warning you that the animal may very well kill you if you ignore the warnings and approach it .

I hope this helps, and I wish you all a happy and healthy summer. I will be available to answer questions if any of this is unclear for it seems some people have immunity to common sense.



Dr. Dad Bod

I am a husband, father, teacher, and soccer coach, and aspiring writer residing in Northern Virginia. More than anything, I love having fun and pushing myself!