DeSantis’ Announcement Speech “I am the asshole this country needs!”
“My fellow Americans. Well, my fellow white Americans- we don’t need to waste time addressing those pesky minorities now do we? I will also exclude homosexuals and transsexuals too because despite Jesus telling us to love our neighbors, we all know he will get quite salty if we are kind to those types right? So, my fellow white, Christian, straight Americans, it is nearly time for the Republican party to choose its latest asshole to run for the presidency of this great nation whose ideals I do just about nothing to adhere to, and by GOD, I feel that I am the asshole that this country needs!
Just look what I have done recently! I have prompted the NAACP to warn colored folks that their lives are not valued here in the sunshine state! I have banned books such as the biographies of Hank Aaron and Roberto Clemente, I have rid kindergartners of the Satanic Stella Brings a Family, which will have the pleasant side effect of making any children of gay parents feel completely ostracized, and I have successfully whitewashed history in Florida by fighting critical race theory.
Furthermore, I have taken on Disney who wants to make it seem like the loving God we straight whites worship doesn’t hate gays and condemn them to an eternity burning in the fires of hell.
And, recently, I have made it easy for every nut in Florida to carry concealed weapons without so much as a background check! You need more credentials to catch a fish in Florida than to carry a gun, and that’s the way God wants it. I am not saying who should be gunned down, but read between the lines.
With your help, we can succeed in bringing this country back into the era of slavery that I refuse to admit ever existed! We can and will marginalize minorities, condemn homosexuals, and make this country resemble something completely contradictory to our nation’s stated purpose while alsofoisting a maddening morality predicated on a fairy tale upon all those who dare to speak against us.
Together, we can obliterate the woke concept that all men are created equal! Together, we can make Christian beliefs into law while condemning other entities such as the Taliban that essentially do the same thing with their own faith based beliefs! Together, we can turn this melting pot into a cauldron of intolerance, suspicion, and hatred! And together we can put a gun into the hands of every vengeance driven psychopath in the country who is looking to blame someone for their own failures or obtain a degree of celebrity through heartless, senseless murder!
All we need to do is get the right asshole into the Oval office! My fellow white, Christian, straight Americans- I AM THAT ASSHOLE!