Are you rich? I have a DEAL for YOU!

Dr. Dad Bod
2 min readDec 26, 2022

Below is a painting by Jackson Pollock

What the hell?

I gotta tell ya, I don’t get it. In fact, one day I tracked oil and brake fluid into my house and it mixed with blood from a scrape on my finger and befouled my carpet. My wife started griping at me, but I told her that I had just created a Jackson Pollock and what she calls a mess could be worth millions.

Shortly thereafter, I was listening to Howard Stern goof on Yoko Ono and I heard her caterwauling a “song” she called “Voice Piece for Soprano” at the MOMA.

Be QUIET! I ORDER you to BE QUIET!

Now, if most people got up and started screaming like Ono, they’d be carted off to the mental institution. BUT, because she is Yoko Ono, hipster doofuses stand there and pretend they like it simply because they are too afraid to admit they don’t in front of other hipster doofuses. They all assume that they are at some higher intellectual level than the rest of us and, therefore, to admit they think Pollock’s work looks like road kill or that Ono’s songs should only be used to make terrorists talk somehow diminishes them. So they shell out money, snap their fingers, and go home worried that they will somehow forfeit their right to be pretentious if they admit their true feelings.

At least, that’s what I believe.

But be that as it may, I see an opportunity here.

If you are rich, here is my plan:

I will create bad art.

You and I will surreptitiously sign a contract stating that you will buy my art for ten million dollars, which I will return to you in three days.

In the interim, I will throw a fit claiming that you are too stupid to appreciate my work and that although I sold it I resent you and think you are an idiot. You can also say whatever you want about me. I will act like a completely contemptuous and petulant asshole and pose for pictures like a big baby.

Our fight, and the fact that you paid a lot of money for my garbage will somehow lure other people into buying my garbage too, and we split the profits.

I think this will work, and I have already gotten a start on it:

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Dr. Dad Bod

I am a husband, father, teacher, and soccer coach, and aspiring writer residing in Northern Virginia. More than anything, I love having fun and pushing myself!